My very first experience of BDSM

This is going to be quite difficult to write. Mostly because it's emotionally draining but also because my memories of the event are kind of fragmented. To some what I have to tell might be considered sexual abuse of a child. As the child in question I can assure you that there was no abuse whatever. In fact it was one of the most tender and loving experience of my life.

I was eleven or twelve I think, I have a hard time placing this in the right year.The memory is also a bit fragmented, split into shots that I have edited to describe as truthfully as possible what transpired. It was summer and my family was at the cottage that we shared with my mothers brothers and their families. Also living nearby for the summer was another family. A family that was quite close to ours  and that's all I'll say about them. It's enough that you can identify me. The others shall remain anonymous. Their daughter, let's call her Marit, was sixteen or seventeen. I met her once or twice a year and she was something of role model for me and has remained until this day. She looked like any teen girl, maybe a bit taller than most, a pretty brunet with slender sun kissed legs. Yes, I did notice how girls looked, I've admired the female body as long as I can remember.

This day our and hers parents were in the woods picking berries or something. Anyway they were not in the immediate vicinity. Marit, my brother and I were playing near some older buildings when it started to rain and we ran into an outbuilding to take shelter.It was a "bagarstuga" a house with a big oven used mainly to bake bread and taking care of whatever wildlife was in season. It also had a room that was originally a room for transient workers but that was now just full of broken furnitures and the like. The building was big enough to have a small attic. Marit suggested that we should play cowboys and Indians but in a slightly new way. Marit was to be a farmers wife that was home alone baking bread. My brother and me was two bandits that came rushing in with drawn pistols demanding that she give us the gold that we know was hidden in the house.

It started out in the usual way with shouts of  "Hands up!" and waving of guns. It soon became clear that Marit wouldn't tell us where the gold was, however much we threatened her with our guns. We were quite bewildered about what to do next when Marit suggested that we should tie her up.   There was some rope lying on a table by the window. I grabbed the rope and was about to tie her hands when Marit said. "No, no, let's do it properly and in a smaller room.".  Marit led us into a cupboard under the attic stairs. It turned out to be too small for the three of us so Marit lay down on the floor at the foot of the attic stairs and showed us how to tie her by tying her ankles in a simple but effective way. I had a "Morakniv" a knife, and she told me to cut the rope. Which I did and then started to tie her hands like she had tied her ankles. My brother was just looking on, there really wasn't room on the floor for him too. Marit was now tied up but still wouldn't tell us where the gold was. She suggested that she might be forced to tell us if we tortured her a bit, maybe by tickling her. Now my brother could also take part, he attended to her feat while I tried to tickle her at the waist and under the arms. And still she wouldn't reveal the location of the treasure. After we gave up on that "torture" Marit suggested that we could unbutton the top of her blouse.I was intrigued and curious but my brother just mumbled something and fled the field.

I was about to start the unbuttoning with slightly trembling hands when Marit told me it would be easier if her hands were tied behind her back.This I did as if I was an experienced bondage master.Marit was now sitting up with her back against the wall and once again I reached out for that mysterious thing under her blouse. Marit laughed quietly, "No wait a bit. Someone might come, let's go up to the attic". By now I had realized that this was no ordinary playing of cowboys and Indians but something far more interesting and exciting. The rope around her ankles was hard to loosen so I cut it with my knife.As I helped her to her feet Marit grabbed the roped that remained on the floor and started up the narrow staircase. She was wearing a pair of shorts that was rather short for the early 60's. I can still see, in my minds eye, the long, slim, brown legs, the round ass and the hands tied behind her back. A sight I enjoyed even at that tender age.

The attic was almost empty, just a few boxes and some junk, and under the grimy window a thin horse hair mattress. Marit lay down on the mattress and smiled at me.I knelt on the mattress beside her and I could hardly breathe as with unsteady fingers I got the blouse open. She had a bra as did all girls then, I know now that Marit's breast was just a bit bigger than average. But to me then they were really big, the first breasts I'd seen up close and they were wonderful! I just stared at them and at Marit's smiling face. "You can pull down the bra".At first I was a bit confused but soon realized that if I should accomplish that without untying her hands I would have to pull down the arms of the blouse. Marit had her eyes closed and still the same calm smile on her lips as I clumsily pulled her blouse so it was at her tied hands behind her back. Marit was very cooperative in moving her body to make it easier. Her bra was a simple white one, and Marit taught me how to unhook it in the back as she turned on her stomach to facilitate the unhooking after  which she once more turned on her back. The tied hands and her arched back made her breasts all the more prominent. I lifted her bra and exposed them - the most wonderful, beautiful sight I ever beheld. At first I just stared at them, The whiteness of the soft mounds against her sun bronzed shoulders, the nipples that were brown and raised. Marit gave me an encouraging nod and I laid my hands on them. I'd never experienced anything like it. They were soft yet firm and I felt the nipples harden. I felt a new kind of excitement, a feeling that this was so right so perfect.

I didn't really know what to do but started kind of kneading them. I must have done something right as Marit began breathe in a different way and her cheeks were turning red. "Harder" she said "remember that you should torture me!" I'd completely forgotten that as I admired her charms. So I started squeezing her breasts harder, and as her breathing got faster and a blush began spreading from her neck down her chest I handled her breasts harder and harder. On an impulse I pinched her nipples and she answered with a mumbled "Yes, that's good, yes". Encouraged I continued my experiments, Sometimes squeezing  the wonderful breasts, sometimes I pinched her nipples. pulled on them and shook the breasts. All this had of course made me rather exited. Not in a way that I a few years later would recognise as testosterone induced horniness. But nevertheless I can now see that it was a sexual feeling, a deep and certain feeling. A sexuality that I haven't felt since, not until I started on oestrogen and testo inhibitors. Marit's breathing became faster and faster and her hips began to move up and down. At first I was a bit scared, but somehow i realized that it wasn't because she was ill in any way, but that this was she wanted. I intensified my "torture" and added  some slapping to my repertoire. Marit began moaning and then utter small screams. "Harder, please" "Yes! More!" Until her body first was trashing around even more and then relaxed. Marit smiled happily at me and whispered "Thank you."

After a few minutes when we both were silent Marit said softly, "You can untie me now." After her hands were untied and she had her clothing more or less in order she laid her hands on my shoulders, gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek. "What we just did wasn't wrong in any way. I enjoyed it and I think you did too. I am what's called a masochist. I enjoy being bound and I like the pain very much. Many people can't understand this and think it's very wrong so it's best if we don't tell anyone about this. But remember that it's never wrong to do what you feel is necessary for you, as long as you don't hurt anyone. And don't judge some one else because they don't act as is expected." This may not be her exact words but the meaning is there. Just before we went out into the mundane world Marit hugged me, kissed my forehead and once again whispered "Thank you". 

In hindsight I can see that the ropes and the mattress didn't just happen to be there. The scene was obviously arranged by Marit. I also seem to remember a small basket of clothes pins right beside the mattress. Today I realize to what purpose they could have been used.If he set up was for me, someone else or for some self play I'll never know. But I'm incredibly thankful that the scene was there and ready to be used.

Did this have any effect on my later sex life? Of course it did. Whether it is the reason behind my BDSM needs I don't know. I'd like to think that what it did was giving me an open mind in general and a healthy attitude to the needs, urges and desires, both my own and others.

For some reason I didn't think about this wonderful experience until many years later when I was sexually active. But Marit was some one that I looked up to, admired and had as a sort of role model. We met almost every year until I was about 20, then it became longer in between. But I never talked to her about that day. I decided finally that I wanted to and needed to. But I never got the chance, after a short illness she passed away much to early. I have during the years sometimes wondered what she would do in certain situations. And of course what she would say about my present situation. Maybe she would come with me to Club Wish, a women only fetish/BDSM club in Stockholm? A girl can dream, can't she? ;-)

I'd love comments on this post.

Love and lashes until next time
Caisa